There are many looked after children (LACs) in our schools who seem to manage on a day-to-day basis without needing much extra support and then there are those for whom school seems to be just too much to handle.  As a consequence of this, they are often classed as disruptive and sanctions applied until they cooperate.  This often leads to exclusion as they are given no special treatment and are expected to behave as the majority of other children do,
This article from Tania Allen outlines some of the difficulties LACs face and the background to those difficulties.  Just too many schools and teachers ignore these and give the child a really hard time, little surprise then that they achive so poorly academically compared to their peers.
via ELSA support via SEN Magazine

Empathy is about validating another's emotions and feelings and perhaps even spending a little time coaching them that there are word that we can use to describe the feelings that are swamping their minds, so much so that they are unable to cope and have a melt-down.  I often refer top this as lack of capacity, resilience and flexibility and awareness of it it underpins many of the methods we use in the SBM programme.

Having some take-up time, along with validation and coaching can often bring great results in the long term, without really wanting to use control  methods to get short-term compliance and an apparent cessation of outburst.  Using control methods simply shifts the emotions into another gear, often higher level and more destructive and more difficult to repair.

So it was great to read an article on parenting and some of the real-life experiences they faced and how their supportive, empathic strategies panned out, or not

It's around this time each year I really feel for some of our kids in schools. Today's a snow day for many, and that will have been a relief. How many times will they have heard 'Christmas this and Christmas that, presents, friends, family, holiday, Christmas tree, Christmas lights and yet for many of them, Christmas will be another day of struggle.
The TV has its role to play - I have just watched a little of Kirsty Alsop making presents and baskets of food for her friends. The table should contrast the red and white of Christmas with the blue of my kitchen. She says her house hasn't celebrated Christmas for 40 years and I'm sure many of our kids haven't ever celebrated in the proper sense.

What must it feel like to be in a chaotic and disjointed house at Christmas. Any money in the house may be spent on drinks and fags. Being left alone to look after younger siblings, little in the way of festive food - I think you get the picture.

Having watched 'Freedom Writers' last night, it made me think how we, as teachers, apply our middle class values and expectations onto the shoulders of our children who have no way of living up to us. Some of them manage in quiet desperation, some of them let it out and show the world they aren't happy. It's the latter group that I really feel for, the ones who get it at home and then get it again at school. The ones who struggle to get up in chaos and find something to wear, something to eat, if they're lucky and then get to school to be told that they need to go home and change out of their trainers and into shoes.

How can you cope with this? How can you manage your anger? How can you learn to respect the system when it takes no account of how hard you have tried - even if no-one saw it?

No wonder teachers get the 'f*** off' from kids these days.

I read an article from First Eleven in NEWS, VIEWS & OPINIONS for independent schools and took note of the content as it made sense. I wonder if it hit other readers the same way it hit me?

Melanie Reid

Britain has a perverse attitude towards children at risk says Melanie Reid. We wept over Baby P, but reacted with hard-hearted disgust to the news that thousands of “feral brats” are disrupting our children’s classrooms each year. Yet these difficult youngsters – an astonishing 1200 pupils aged four or under were excluded from schools in 2007 – are simply the Baby Peters who have survived.

The way to deal with their disruptive behaviour is to give them the proper care. Excluding them from school merely “perpetuates the abandonment” started by incompetent, abusive and drug-addled parents. Moreover, money well spent in the early years “saves billions in the long run in welfare payments and prison costs”. Take “nurture groups” – special classes of up to 12 children within mainstream schools, which address social and emotional development as well as academic work.

This successful model is not yet standard practice in Britain.

Until it is, thousands of abused children will continue to disrupt our schools.

I know we haven't got time to deal with all of this, you might say, we're not social workers, you know. But we do have to deal with this and we do need to take care and help, even if we have no time. We really do.

Christmas has always bought home the reality of their reality to me. It's just not the same reality they live in and we need to have some sense of what it is they have to manage, before we issue our compliance techniques, detentions and exclusions.

Just something to chew on when you tuck into the beef or turkey on Xmas day

A group of professional people posed the question to a group of 4 to 8 year olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were better than anyone could have imagined.

I thought you might like these comments, they made me smile

When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails any more. So my grandpa does it for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.
Rebecca- age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouths.
Billy- age 4

Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.
Kari- age 5

Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs.
Chrissy- age 6

Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.
Terri- age 4

Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.
Danny- age 7

Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.
Emily- age 8

Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.
Tommy- age 6

If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.
Bobby- age 7

Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, and then he wears it everyday.
Nikka- age 6

Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.
Noelle- age 7

My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.
Cindy- age 8

Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.
Clare-age 6

Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.
Elaine- age 5

Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.
Chris- age 7

When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.
Mary Ann- age 4

Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and doesn't think it's gross.
Karen- age 7

You really shouldn't say "I LOVE YOU" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
Mark- age 6

And the winner was a 4 year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly man who had just lost his wife. When the child saw the man cry, the little boy went over into the man's yard and climbed on top of the man's lap and just sat there. When the boy's mother asked him what he'd said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

First Published 11 Feb 2009